I met this man online. We emailed each other for about a week. I was really excited about him: as a matter of fact, I haven’t been that excited about anyone in a while.
He was very responsive, which is a good sign for me. We emailed each other every day several times a day. He was nice and attentive, asked many questions and answered all my questions. We seemed to have a lot in common – same interests, same tastes, same lifestyles. After several days of emailing he initiated a phone number exchange and we started texting.
It was great! I couldn’t even believe it, because it was too picture perfect.
Until we met.
And it was like a cold shower. From the first second I saw him, I realized that there was absolutely no chemistry between the two of us. We are like people from different planets, different universes even! We sat through an hour an a half of brunch and couldn’t run faster away from each other.
So now my question is the following: What was it that was missing in our digital relationship? What is so different between the man who wrote those emails and text messages and the real person I met for brunch?
Regardless of what it was, it made a huge difference. And it got me thinking about how we see each other in the digital world versus how we see each other in the real world, especially when we first start communicating electronically.
It seems that we have dual personalities – a digital and a human one. Or at least our digital personality is a stripped down version of our Self, missing some crucial non-verbal components.
I didn’t want to wonder about it on my own, so I talked to my colleagues and friends to see if they’ve experiences the same phenomenon as well. I will not be using their names at their request.
Interestingly, in unison, my interviewees brought in an idea of expectations, an idea that before meeting people in-person our imaginations create an expectation of what that person is like based on the digital exchange. And then when we meet that person for real, that expectation is either met or not.
Here is how one of my friends described it:
“I have been on dates that I couldn’t WAIT for I was so excited, and then I met the boy in person to find him terribly uncomfortable to be around. I have also been on dates that I went into dragging my feet, dreading what was sure to be an awkward and painful evening, and I have come out absolutely on cloud 9, dreaming of the next time I could see this boy.”
Another friend of mine compared online dating to online shopping, to be specific, Match.com and FreshDirect.com. Here is how she put:
“Certainly the products are different - in one case, its vegetables or used books and in the other it is a potential partner. But the main objective, at least for the first stage of the process is to "sell" and you can only sell something if you make it appealing. … So you bought the veggies and the Fresh Direct delivery boy dropped them off at your door. You opened the box, took off the plastic cover - you looked at it, you smelled it, you bit it. Is it still as good as you imagined, is it as good as it was on that picture you saw online?”
I know, it sounds a bit harsh to compare online dating to ordering produce online. But I think this view, despite making me uncomfortable, is very valid.
So let’s apply it to my situation - I had created an expectation of a man I communicated with online, and when I met him in real world, it wasn’t that he was a different person, he just didn’t meet my artificially created expectation.
Wow, I didn’t think of that – thank you, friends!
At the end of the day, I think this topic is huge and warrants an expert opinion. I know I’ve only touched upon online dating - a very narrow sliver of digital communications. But I’ll keep thinking about it and dig for more ideas that I can’t think of. So stay tuned…
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