Don’t communicate more, say more

We communicate more than we ever did before. With all the easy to use tools literally right at our finger tips, we can reach and be in touch with so many people – our family, friends, colleagues - all the time. We start communicating the minute we wake up and the conversation doesn’t stop till we fall asleep.

But even though we communicate that much, are we really saying a lot? It looks like the ‘oh so old’ question of quantity vs. quality question to me.

I started talking about how technology changes our relationships earlier in the blog with Vivian Bader, a clinical social work therapist with 22 years of experience. So I think it would be fair to bring her back to advise us on what’s going on with all this abundance of communicating and on how to deal with it.

As a practicing therapist, Vivian says she’s been witnessing the change in how we communicate first-hand: “it’s changing a lot and it’s changing fast. The new technology helps people be more connected, but it often leads them to communication less. Technology shortens their conversations, they start talking in soundbites, therefore a lot of substance and nuances get lost.”

Come to think of it, she is right. I wrote here about the fight I had with my friend by text messages over of nothing – the entire incident was a misunderstanding that came out of us misinterpreting the texts.

So how do we deal with this new reality – technology is sure not going anywhere, if nothing else it’s going to become more integral in our lives. Of course, there is no one solution. Here is what Vivian recommends:

“In most situations, communication is key, so make an effort to talk more in-person, especially if you need to discus an important matter or make a big decision. Definitely avoid emailing, texting, facebooking or any other electronic mean of communication in the heat of anger. Waiting till you see each other face to face can be very beneficial by letting you both to cool down. Don’t use the text message lingo or jargon, write the way you would talk in real life, that would make it sound more like you.”

Lights, camera, action! We are always on camera, so smile and be decent.

Everybody has a digital camera and everybody takes pictures all the time and those pictures can end up on the internet whether you want that or not.

I know this is a maximalistic statement, but it is better to believe that than be ignorant of the fact that we don’t have control any more over our own image, digital image that is.

And no, I’m not being paranoid here and I don’t think that government agencies or aliens are watching us.

This is just our new reality – people often carry small digital cameras with them, they have them in their blackberries and phones and they snap, snap, snap. Sometimes we don’t even know that we are in their picture until we see it tagged on their Facebook page.

And I say that we should just be mindful of that. Of course it’s OK if your friends see you having lots of fun, enjoying a drink or two (for example). But what if your prospective employer Googles you and sees that photo and decides that you were having too much for his liking.

Allison Hemming, a founder and president of The Hired Guns talent agency, author of “Work It!” and a career management expert, whom I already introduced to you a while ago chips in:

“When it comes to the internet and social media you're always on the record. You have to decide which network is personal vs. professional and stick to it -- setting appropriate privacy settings as you go. And even still, before you post things like crazy pictures or comments, think to yourself -- if a future employer sees this would it impact my hirability? Companies are digging into social networks for background checks, and to not consider this is foolish. Job offers can and will be rescinded.”

I asked her to give us an example of how a wrong choice of photo on a social network negatively affected the candidate’s chances of being hired and she had a perfect one:

“Within the last year, we had a job offer rescinded by an ad agency of a web designer that we were working with. The company did a background check and found a rather promiscuous picture of the web designer. He had reset all of his privacy settings on Facebook, and had a very professional twitter feed. As it turned out the post in question was on Friendster, a social network he hadn't used for years and that he had forgotten all about.”

And here is your takeaway from Allison:

“Don't be willy nilly about profiles. If you're going to test out new technology keep track of where you're doing it, particularly if you want to cut loose on those networks.”

And from me – be careful and mindful of other people taking pictures of you. They are taking them home and posting them on Facebook, MySpace, Flickr, Picasa and such and they are tagging you. You have no idea of who they’re friends with and what their security settings are. So think twice before doing that crazy topless dance on the bar table. Cameras are on.

We spend more time on social networks than ever

According to The Nielsen Company research we spend twice as much time on social networks than we did last year. How much, you would want to know? A whopping six and a half hours a month (an April 2010 example).

Interestingly, The Nielsen Company considers Facebook, Youtube, Wikipedia and blog sites all as social-media. I guess there is no one definition of what social media is, so everybody’s free to define it they way they see it.

Facebook is still growing rapidly in it’s popularity. Despite the fact that 62% of all active internet users already belong to Facebook, it is still the fastest growing social networking site. It gained 69% of unique audience over last year.

Surprisingly or not, the losers of our attention online are Myspace and Classmates and even LinkedIn. I guess we only have one pair of eyes each and social networking sites will have to fight to get them on their pages.

Are you my friend, or social friend or … ?

Or

How social networking redefines the meaning of friendships.

Has Facebook spoiled the word ‘friend’ for us once and for all?

To me the word ‘friend’ means quite a lot. I only can call a friend someone who is close to me, someone I know very well, someone I trust and have a relationship with. I don’t call all the people I know friends. Even those people that I hag out with every once in a while I can’t call friends, I’d rather call them acquaintances.

Even dictionaries define the word ‘friend’ as someone close and special.

Merriam-Webseter: one attached to another by affection or esteem.

Oxford: ‘One joined to another in mutual benevolence and intimacy.’

Cambridge: a person who you know well and who you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family.

But now I have some people I hardly know or communicate with, let along have a relationship with as my “friends” of Facebook. Actually, I have a problem with Facebook calling those social connections ‘friends’. I think they should be called something else, but what do I know.

I did some research online and found a very interesting website, called the Ideasproject.

Up front let me disclose that it is operated by Nokia, a world leader in mobile technology. But at it’s core, the Ideasproject is nothing more than an open platform for thinkers in the sphere of communications technology to exchange ideas and opinions. I don’t really have a problem with the project’s affiliation to Nokia. I actually find it quite smart of Nokia to use this medium to tap into the brain power of individuals, passionate about communications technology, but it is not the point of this post.

So the initiative that caught my attention on that website, very relevant to the topic of my discussion, is this – an open forum asking visitors to chip in and answer one question:

“In the era of the social data revolution, what is a ‘friend’ to you?”

Interestingly, the responses were overwhelmingly similar is differentiating real-life friendships and social networking ones.

Here are some of them:

“he era of the social data revolution ought not to change our understanding of what a friend is, or of what a relationship is. A friend give love and support, in return for same. A Facebook friend is a dramatically different use of the word friend, and a best a metaphor referring only obliquely to friends as I described above.” By Noah Burbank

“In the traditional sense, a 'friend' according to me is someone whom I can completely rely on no matter what the situation is. But now with the advent of the social era, its hard to say the same about all the 500 odd people in my list. So the term 'friend' should probably be changed to the term 'social friend' - so as to not dilute the original meaning.” By Sandeep Sripada

“In the era of the social data revolution, I think the term "friend" was hijacked by Facebook to basically mean acquaintance- anybody I've had contact with in real life that I might possibly want to see again in the future, serendipitously or on purpose. Can correlate to any number of things: similar interests, activity partners, colleagues, industry contacts, family, etc. I think "friend" has mashed up a number of meanings in the modern era and has far too broad of a scope- I'm glad twitter uses "follow/following" and linkedin uses "connected." By Jeremy Carr

So of course defining the meaning of friendships is very personal to each of us. I’ll stick to calling friends only my real friends. I’m happy to have all of my connections on the social networking sites, but not all of them are my friends.

Pick up line 2.0

Happy Independence Day and Happy July the 4^th weekend!

Just like millions of proud Americans I have celebrated the matter by going to a barbecue party to Long Island and to see the fireworks over the Hudson River.

And believe it or not, the following pickup line has helped to start a conversation and to get a perfect spot to see the fireworks.

You wonder what the line was? Ok, won’t keep you waiting any longer – “Is that an Evo?”

Yup, just like that. This short and simple line does wonders, seriously.

At first at the barbecue, I was participating in this awkward moment of several people sitting near each other and not knowing what to talk about. And then I have spotted a new and shiny Evo, one person was playing with and all it took me to sparkle a long and exciting conversation was say “Is that an Evo?”

Not sure what so magic about it, but there is something special, for sure. I think it has to do with the ego. No, not Evo, but ego.

People are very proud of their gadgets, they want to be noticed and from I’m sensing more and more, there is this group of people who don’t want to be a part of now-mainstream iPhone crowd, they want to be different, so they opt out of the Apple-mania and often switch to Android-based Evo.

The other instance when that pick-up line made wonders for me was at the Fireworks.

Imagine – Hoboken boarkwalk, packed with people and more are still coming. All of the ‘front seats’ – the space by the railing have been taken by fireworks fanatics who have been camping on their chairs and towels for hours.

I showed up a lazy half hour before the show and of course was facing the possibility of watching the fireworks through thick greenery of the trees feet away from the water edge.

I walked around and jut stopped for a moment to contemplate my options. And there it happened. One guy in a group of young-looking happy-campers who called the ownership of oh-so-wanted-by-me inches of front-row railing pulled out an Evo. And the words “Is that an Evo?” just flew out of my mouth.

Minutes later I was invited to join their party, offered a full-bar selection of drinks, a cigar and a hookah. I have politely declines all, but a diet coke and a perfect spot to view the show.

So there you have it – being on top of latest technology can be very beneficial, in many unexpected ways.

PS

Just so you could enjoy the view of the fireworks with me too, here is a pic.

Happy 4^th!

Facebook and work “friends”

After posting this and this I decided to go out and do an unscientific ‘field’ research. And of course what else could I have used but Facebook.

I asked all my friends (all 60 of them) what they thought about sharing facebook between their personal and professional lives.

To my surprise, I discovered that I was not the only one who was uncomfortable with mixing my personal and professional connections and confused about what information was appropriate to share with all of them.

Here is a quote from one of my Facebook friend’s, a colleague in real life, response:

“I don't actively seek new friends because I am very private and reserved with my information.I find it weird that I know more about my work collegues from reading facebook, than I do from talking to them and I find myself feeling a little guilty, as if I am spying on them.”

And here is another interesting response: “I watch what I post especially since i have work collegues as friends. I am concerned that my posts would be misinterpreted. I try to keep it light and positive and fun, But I haven't been posting anything lately, because I sometimes feel like- "what's the point?"

Well, we live and we learn… So we are yet to discover how to balance those two dimensions of our lives that historically have been so separate. Maybe they will blend more together. Maybe the way we use social networking will change. I guess we’ll just have to take it one step at a time.

Technology makes it easier for people to avoid each other

How easy is it to email or send a text message, right? You can do it anywhere, it takes a second and doesn’t require much effort. Fantastic!

But according to Vivian Bader, a clinical social work therapist with 22 years of experience, this ease of communication has two sides – a positive and a negative.

She agrees that modern technology made our communications easier and faster. We became more available. “Email and text is great in case of emergency or when there is a change in plans – it is easier for people to find each other and get instant feedback. Everything is happening faster,” says Bader.

But at the same time texting and emailing and Facebooking and twitting have shortened our conversations she said. We don’t talk to each other as much any more. And Bader doesn’t think it is good. “It creates some distance in relationships, people don’t spend enough ‘face’ time with each other,” she adds.

How ironic – technology that is making our communication so much easier, can actually create distance between people.

Vivian gave a very good example, and I, to be honest, had a flashback. I didn’t even realize that I’ve done the same myself.

“There are many situations nowadays when people can be in each other’s presence and still apart,” Explains Bader. For example people can be sitting in the same room, watching a movie or a television show and simultaneously be preoccupied with their hand-held devices. How much are they together at that moment? Are they sharing the experience with each other or with their blackberries, iPhones and such?”

Have you ever been in a situation like that? Are you guilty of being with your fried or your partner and not being with them? Maybe that is something to think about…